apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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