I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
