I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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