last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
