WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
