Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
