i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
