it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
