I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
