it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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