2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think my fart just growled at me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
