god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
