His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
