Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
