Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
