DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
