Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
