Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
