Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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