if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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