My underwear smells like fireworks.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
