Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
