I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
