His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
