I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
