guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
