never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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