Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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