she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
