I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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