nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When are your genitals available?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
