literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
