let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
