I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
