i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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