Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
