I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
