I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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