You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
