Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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