I'm so fucking centered right now
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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