you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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