Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
