In the future we'll all be gay
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As shirtless as possible
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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