Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You've changed since you got that strap on
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
