I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I believe in your delicious
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
