hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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