woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
