I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
