remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
