This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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