I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
