3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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