pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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