the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
