When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
