i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
