did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
