i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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