i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
