Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
