You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
