I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
