Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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